Clarification...

My kids annoy the crap out of me. They exhaust me and are absolutely 100% crazy. I sometimes feel like a zoo keeper dealing with monkeys tripping on PCP. I have never met anyone who was able to drive me to the levels of insanity my children do. That's their job. You probably feel the same way about your kids. If you don't then you're either lying or in complete denial. But. Despite all their misbehavior & crazy antics, I love them with an intense, all-consuming love. And I will go to great lengths to protect them. Great, criminal-like lengths. To be clear, I will destroy you if you hurt my child. I will bring down a wrath on your head that would make you look forward to death. I am totally not kidding. My children are everything to me, and I know I'm not a perfect parent, but I'm a real parent. I'm a there-every-day parent. I'm a parent who knows what ridiculous things my children do on a daily basis and can be honest that it frustrates me. But I'm a parent who isn't going to let my children take a lot of shit because they have plenty of time for the world to kick their ass. I'm not going to let it happen on my watch.

Apology...

I am a horrible horrible person. First, I want it known that I would have never taken this course of action if it weren't out of necessity. I feel I need to make this confession on my blog so that everyone will have the entire truth about it and know that I did not do this terrible, terrible thing because I wanted to. I did it because I needed to. And though I do feel an enormous amount of shame and guilt, I can't take it back. In fact, I may do it again.

I bought the critter a baby leash. And I used it.

The dairy aisle...

When a person leaves, either by death, miles, or conflict, it's a very painful thing. I think when someone leaves they take that part of your heart they occupied with them, leaving a hole. I think my heart probably looks like swiss cheese.

I always will...

I still check on my babies late at night. I want so badly to pick them up and rock them like when they were tiny. I love their little cheeks when they're asleep, their little fingers, how they are so completely peaceful and sweet. I love to kiss their little temples and smell their hair. As insane as it sounds, I almost kinda miss them when they're sleeping. I want to rock them so badly. Instead, I go to bed. And groan and grumble when they're up before I'm ready to be. What a crazy, mixed up, beautiful life.

Good ol' Green Eyes......

Have you ever had one of those days where all you can think about is people you knew or know who are so much more successful in life? Ever had a day where you felt so completely inadequate and useless you could crawl under a rock? Ugh. I'm so having one of those days. The crazy part is I don't even know why! We have a good life! My husband and I work very hard and have things pretty good. We don't have financial worries at this time, we've made leaps and bounds with the grlz and in our marriage. We are involved in a great church and have friends now who are wonderful additions to our lives. But. Every now and then I see or talk to someone who took a different route with their life and became very successful. And it kills me. I don't know why. Probably really needless and immature of me but at least I'm freaking honest about it! I don't think its really a jealousy thing. I'm not feeling inadequate and wishing I had what they had. I think it's maybe more of a what-if ache. What if I waited to have kids. What if I finished school in a timely manner. What if I chose school and responsibility over partying and self-abuse. Would I have been successful in other ways and been happy? Or would I then have known the people I do with families and felt the ache of inadequacy then. Maybe I should quit worrying about it and get back to my life. Be grateful for the wonderfully crazy way things have turned out and go with the flow more. If I could quit thinking once in awhile things might be a lot calmer.

Probably extra-crazy with nutz on top...

My kids are driving me crazy. I know, shocking. Seriously though, it's aweful. The big blue-eyed one is the snottiest 8 year old this side of Dixie (no clue where Dixie is), the blond one literally bounces off the walls 24/7, and the critter is either teething or intensifying his campaign of terror. I can't do anything without some kid hanging on my leg crying, screaming, snotting, bleeding, whining, or just jabbering at me non-stop (I think) to screw with my head. My house has never and probably never will be a quiet place to retreat to. I think it's always going to be a chaotic war zone filled with the shrieks of crazy girls and the little prince. Someday I'd love to pee without someone yelling for me, knocking/banging on the door, or little bitty fingers creeping underneath it. Its pure insanity.

Normal sounds boooooring....

My friend Kerstyne and I were making my husband a pimp cake at 11:00 last night. It had sparkly green dollar signs, gold dubloons around the bottom, gold "congrats", shredded money down the center, and fake gold teeth jutting out the front. I realized that normal people probably never make pimp cakes. Or do half the strange things we do that we enjoy immensely. How sad. Normal must be aweful.

Why worry?

One of our pastors read from James at church last night. Chapter 5:7-8. "Dear brothers and sisters, be patient as you wait for the Lord's return. Consider the farmers who patiently wait for the rains in the fall and in the spring. They eagerly look for the valuable harvest to ripen. You too, must be patient. Take courage, for the coming of the Lord is near."

On his hand-out he had two questions. 1) What is the farmer responsible for? 2) What is God responsible for?

The first one I had some varying responses for. The farmer's responsible for the planting of the harvest. For watching and guiding the growth once it happens. For making sure nothing toxic or harmful gets to the infant crop. Many things related to the overall care of the actual crop itself. All of those things are important, yes, but they really mean nothing in comparison.

What is God responsible for?

THE RAIN.

I love my children.

Seriously I do. I love them as much as I love breathing. But... Every once in awhile I hold my breath and wait until my face goes numb, I feel light-headed, and my lungs are screaming for air. Just to see if I really could do without it. Do with that what you will.

You have no idea.

So I've been thinking about writing a blog for a long time. Not because I have anything interesting or even intelligent to say. Mostly because the insomnia that plagues my health and my mind occasionally spurs some creative (though mostly idiotic and unintelligent) ideas, thoughts, obsessions, etc. I've been a little hesitant because I don't want to leave behind any incriminating evidence of my insanity. Then I figured eh, f*$@ it. I'm married with kids. What possible shenanigans could I get into that someone would need to investigate my blog. So here goes. This is a story all about how...